Keeping Dreams From Spoiling

7/31/10

And Melanie finally returns to the Marshall Islands, this time as Ms. Carbine instead of as Sister Carbine. I must admit that I was anxious to live in Delap again. It was my hardest area as a missionary as far as companions and mission drama went. I had much more success in Ebeye even though the living conditions were harder. When I came back to visit in May, it was Ebeye still that gave me that feeling of returning home. Besides that I just left my country, my family and people I love half a world away. …Autumn last year was so beautiful. Yet, after all my research into Marshallese wave navigation, I find it ironic that I return and leave my stick charts back in Michigan. This opportunity just popped up accidentally, maybe serendipitously. I was on vacation and found myself interviewing at a school that had just filled all its teaching positions. I had been in fact looking for teaching jobs in Maryland and Utah, but when I returned to Michigan almost a month later the principal of the Majuro Cooperative School sent me an email saying that a position had unexpectedly opened. I had about a week to decide. Of course, salary doesn’t compare to that in the United States but they bought my plane ticket out here, provide housing and utilities, and basically the experience I will garner here as a first year teacher is considerable.

I dreamed of serving a mission, and I did. I dreamed of teaching art, and I did it (on a mountain too). I dreamed of snorkeling in the ocean and swimming in a lake without fear, and I did it. I dreamed of teaching in the Marshall Islands, and I'm doing it. I dreamt of teaching math and yes I get to do that too. I'm in fact writing this on a plane headed to Hawaii. I'm living my dreams, fighting the good fight and still it is so hard. I told Georgia, one of my art counselors at Camp Cloud Rim in Park City, that I enjoyed working with her. Honestly, I was relieved to be leaving because managing an art room at camp was a ton of work. Yet, as I told her she was inspiring, I had to run off because I could feel the tears welling up. I rushed around to get everything ready. I was scribbling numbers down at the last minute because between weighing bags in the last hour I decided to give my SIM card and Blackberry to my brother. The rush and the stress kept me occupied but I noticed my brother's eyes were a little (just a little) watery. This is my brother—the guy carrying around my 50lb hockey bag without a second thought. That's when it hit me. I was already anxious to be leaving when I had just met Dan. I was already anxious to have my own classroom. But, saying goodbye to my brother. It wasn't even so hard when I went off to the Marshalls the first time as a missionary, and this time I have a computer, and skype, and books. But, it's so far away. Marshallese people think Americans are crazy to live so far away from their family.

And, then I read this about dreams on Paulo Coelho's blog:

"...The busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. ...The truth is, they are afraid to fight the Good Fight..

..Because we don’t want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those who are engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what’s important is only that they are fighting the Good Fight.

...Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. ...‘When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a short period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being. We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves. ...And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breathe, and we actually seek death."

(As a side note, I think one of my boxes hasn’t arrived in the Marshalls yet. I’m pretty sure that box contains some vitamins and the one Paulo Coelho book that I sent to myself.)

I'm living and breathing my dreams, fighting for them, finding new ones :) I'll come back triumphant, accomplished and ready to make new dreams. In the meantime though it'll be quite an adventure. I was filled with a sense of confirmation of this decision when I got here. Ramona woke up in the middle of the night to come with her parents to pick me up from the airport. They welcomed me with a Marshallese crown of flowers. Yes, the challenge ahead is daunting, what I stand to lose back home and the stacks to prove here, but this is too big of a dream to let die. I am happiest when I’m teaching. It would have been nice if I had remembered to send myself a lesson plan book. I believe I will be utilizing my laptop for something besides the internet for once.

I have time enough to do everything. Life is a grand adventure. And, I find it just a little easier to breathe.